The Sharp Files

Ellis Sharp is a Marxist blogger with a Manichean outlook on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He has been relatively quiet lately, but a recent, seemingly inconsequential bit of news has pricked his interest. It appears that Israeli property firm Azorim has invested in the British restaurant chain Little Chef. And as everything Israeli is marked with taint in the mind of Ellis Sharp, he takes the opportunity to launch a veiled attack on the State of Israel, listing his own, "satirical" speculations on "Arazim’s future plans for the chain":

1. All land within a radius of 100 miles of each Little Chef will be seized by troops and tanks under the slogan “After 2000 years, Little Chef comes home.” All residents will be evicted and their homes bulldozed. Businesses will be seized. There will be no compensation paid. The land will be used for car parking and homes for Little Chef employees.

As I pointed out in my last piece on Sharp, Ellis is adament in his belief that Jews, who suddenly decided, for no apparent reason, that after 2000 years it was time to reclaim the homeland, burst into Palestine, dispossessed the peaceable Palestinians and destroyed their homes. Of course, the complexities of real history fly in the face of such a reductionary narrative.

2. Little Chef does not discriminate. However customers of a swarthy complexion may be restricted to the fried egg menu and asked to eat in the Portaloo at the back, next to the waste containers. This is for security reasons.

Here Sharp interprets, as others are fond of doing, Israeli security measures in a discourse of Western colonial oppression. In reality, most Israeli Jews are "of a swarthy complexion", and this is especially true of the hundreds of thousands of Jews expelled from the Arab world (with businesses seized and no compensation paid) - Jews which warrant nary a mention on The Sharp Side (I wonder if Sharp is even aware of their existence?) In addition, that these Sephardi and Mizrachi Jews are physically nearly indistinguishable from Israel's Palestinian neighbours is probably the reason why suicide bombing operations are so successful, as all the attacker need do is blend in with the crowd; he would be relatively easy to spot if the rest of the diners or bystanders were Aryan. It is also worth noting that Israeli restaurants (or any other public facility for that matter) don't discrimate against Arab citizens of Israel - they are certainly not restricted to an inferior menu and required to sit out back near the portaloos.

3. Children who do not finish their meals, who play with their food, or who throw buns will be shot. Little Chef anticipates around 300-500 child fatalities in its first year of operation. The Blair government has agreed to supply free rifles and automatic weapons to all Little Chef employees.

Browsing through his blog, one receives the impression that Sharp believes that Israelis regularly murder Palestinian children for sport. They are (generally) not tragic accidents that occur during Israeli operations in the occupied territories but the intentional actions of a demoniacal people and their state. Yet, if one were to understand the killing of Palestinian children as being intentional, one should also presume that there would be more than "300-500" fatalities a year (and even that number is suspect).

4. All dissatisfied customers will be referred to by the BBC as ‘militants’ and ‘rogue elements’.

In case you didn't know, the BBC is actually a Zionist organ. That's sarcasm, by the way.

5. Visitors who call by just to use the toilets and who leave without buying even so much as a cup of coffee will be pursued down the motorway by a helicopter gunship and blasted from the face of the earth. Little Chef also strongly advises that no customers using wheelchairs attempt to patronise the chain.

Again, Sharp believes Israel sends helicopter gunships after Palestinians for little reason save to murder them for kicks. There have been reports of wheelchair-bound persons who have been killed during Israeli incursions in the West Bank, but I think the wheelchair reference is to Sheikh Yassin, the "spiritual leader" of Hamas that Israel assassinated in 2004. Israel was condemned by nearly everyone for targeting a "defenceless old man in a wheelchair" in spite of his deeds; no doubt Sharp, who refuses to interpret Israeli actions as anything other than malign, was in the chorus.

6. The exciting new ‘traveller’s menu’ will consist of (i) sliced melon starter (ii) spaghetti and chips with optional grated cheese topping (iii) Black Forest gateau (iv) complementary cup of Nescafe. The ‘kid’s fun menu’ will consist of (i) toast (available cold or lukewarm with optional toppings: marmite, minced pilchard). (ii) bowl of icecream (flavours: Cape white or Venetian mint).

I'm not sure what point Sharp is trying to make here. Perhaps the "travellers" are the Israelis "privileged" with a lavish menu, whereas the Palestinians are the "kids" who need to make do with scraps? Whatever...

Even ReadySteadyBook, the literary blog that often links Sharp's articles has expressed concern at his obsession with Israel. But Sharp, who has constructed something of an ivory tower for himself (neither of his blogs lists an email address and comments are disabled) will most likely continue to expectorate his bilious rants into cyberspace. Ah, the Net.